Saturday, April 28, 2007

Road Rage and RV Whores: A True Tale Of Madness

I had the unlucky experience of being followed by you this morning. You Motoring-Psycho-Bitch! You hounded me from the inside of your vehicle the entire time I was driving my child to school this morning. You were behind me for almost the entire 1 mile we were on the road. Or, the equivalent of 3 hours in HELL thanks to your insane shenanigans!

--First you were ticked off because I drove the speed limit through a SCHOOL ZONE. I saw your fat fist fly up in the air and could see by the way your big mouth was going that you were yelling something in regards to me and the other vehicles in front of me going too slow for your liking.

--Then you were royally pissed because I stopped at two SCHOOL CROSSWALKS (marked with signs and street paint) to let children pass. (It is the law you Hag.) I saw you slamming your steering wheel with both of your meaty paws, your pasty puffed up face screwed into a vision of rage. Nice example for the kid in your passenger's seat lady. Unluckily for her, you likely spawned the poor dear.

--Then you amped your Psycho-Bitch factor up a few more notches and flew into an extraordinary fit, bouncing around on your seat and screaming-- because I wasn't turning left in front of oncoming traffic fast enough!! So in your next moronically executed move, you tried to get 6 cars, including mine into a pile-up by going around me and trying to turn left in front of me!!! (You Suicidal Law Breaking Street Skank!)

--Then you blew your stack, I thought you were going to bounce your own big ass outta your RV you were so crazed with anger! You were this pissed because while you were trying this potentially deadly maneuver--in a split second I decided that I'd had enough of your road-rage and I acted with lighting speed. I saw an brief opening in traffic and I gunned it turning left and leaving you lurching and stalling in the intersection with cars from both directions now honking at you and squealing their tires to barely escape the danger you'd put them all in. Served you right you mindless idiot! I was laughing my ass off! (Holy Shit, you were having a fit and falling in it lady! LMAO!!!)

--When you sped into the school parking lot a half-a-minute later I heard you screaming at your child while she exited your RV sized Sports-Utility-Ve-Hick-el. Bad enough you can't drive worth spit, but must you also verbally abuse your child because you're an Air-Headed-Gas-Hogging-Road-Harpy?! (Dear Social Services: ...hee hee)

--You then pulled out of the line of other cars dropping off their kids in the parking lot, and without looking for crossing children AGAIN, you screeched past my car while showing me your best Charles Manson impression and screaming something I obviously couldn't hear--because you friggin' ninny, you had your windows up! Of course I simply scrunched my face up into the most fake toothy smile I could muster. From the way your tires chirped, I'm pretty sure my cavalier attitude enraged you further; which was exactly what I meant it to do. (You predictable lower life form.)

--I would've given just about anything to have been a Cop for a few minutes this morning. I would have put some serious Police Brutality bruises on your crazy ass. I'd have given you a good dose of Pepper Spray right in that evil mug of yours just before I put my steel-toed boot up your fat caboose and kicked you into the back seat of my cruiser. You would have shared the back seat with my big police dog "Jaws", which would have made for a spanking fun ride back to county lock-up. Once there I would've ordered you to be strip-searched by a hulking guard named Theda. Theda would have also given you a deep magical cavity search with her giant man-hands. LUBE-LESS.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Nickleodean & The FCC: One Woman's Nightmare

WARNING: The following message is rated "V" for vulgar, "F" for excessive use of foul language, and "H" because according to fundamental Christians--a.k.a. The Nazi's-- I'm going straight to Hell. As such, you may wish to shoo your children from the room and wear your Rosaries while reading what follows.

~The next paragraph is a REAL e-mail sent to me by a good friend~

I just wanted to tell you that Becky, Kendra, and I decided that if you were healthy enough that you should go on Nickelodeon's "Funniest Mom in America" Contest. Have you seen the commercials for that? Hee Hee. You would totally skunk everyone out of the water!

~What follows is my response to the friend who sent me the above e-mail. The events described in the following are absolutely, totally and completely true. I swear. The names of other parties have been changed to protect the innocent. The guilty (guess who) will not have her name changed.~

Dearest Lindsey,
As to your urging me to try out for that show I really thought I had a shot at it too, yet things didn't actually turn out the way I had hoped they would.

I sent a tape in to those freakin' assholes at Nick. They turned me down flat. Said my 'material' was better suited to Showtime or Skinemax. Then those fascists at the FCC sent me a mother-fucking warning!! Guess the vulgar clothes and foul mouth was a bit too much for "Family Friendly TV". Those Bastard Pig Fuckers.

Needless to say my attorneys launched a media blitz on my behalf. I may not get my own show, but I did make the evening news...

scene: the local evening news / studio
---"A Vail Colorado woman is suing the TV network in Laos that owns the ever popular Nickelodean channel. The suit filed by Pamela Hollosnap and her attorneys; Ms. Gloria Allred, The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, and the late Johnny Cochran; calls for the immediate cancellation of an upcoming series based on the fact that Ms. Hollosnap was not permitted to go through the 'normal' audition process. The suit states that Ms. Hollosnap sent in a videotaped audition for the show, "Funniest Mom In America" and was not only turned down, but that the shows producers sent a copy of her tape to the FCC. The FCC then sent Ms. Hollosnap a stern warning which according to her attorneys she was allegedly "Greatly hurt and offended by." Let's go to Frank who's in Vail with the rest of the story. Frank?"---

the front yard of my house, tons of media are present as well as a growing crowd of snoopy neighbors and looky-loos who are loitering around the outskirts of the media circus
---"Yes Rhonda, that's right. I'm here in front of Ms. Hollosnap's home in Vail, Colorado. While her attorneys gave a brief statement earlier today, we have yet to speak to Ms. Hollosnap herself. That's not to say that she still hasn't found an interesting way of communicating with us."---

news studio
---"What do you mean Frank? Has she tried to get in touch with anyone in the media?"---

scene: my front yard again
---"Well yes Rhonda, in so many words. Ms. Hollosnap has been writing messages and drawing pictures with black marker on pieces of paper and holding them up to the windows in her home. She seems to be very agitated by our presence here, yet has not directly stated that she would like us to leave her property."---

scene: news studio
---"What do the messages she's writing say Frank? And what sort of drawings is she holding up?"---

scene: my front yard, and shots of the front windows
---"Well, you should know that they contain obscene language and that the pictures depict rather upsetting material. That said, one of the messages read: 'Kiss my BEEP, you BEEP BEEP BEEP-ing BEEP-ers!!' Another read: ' Go BEEP your mother's you stinking bottom feeders!!' Needless to say, she does seem extremely volatile at this time."---

scene: news studio
---"Oh my, those messages are very crude. Tell me Frank, how does the crowd there react when she does this?"---

scene: my front yard
---"Well Rhonda, the crowd here seemed a bit shocked at first, but with each successive message or picture held up to the windows their cheers grow louder and many are taking photos and videos. We’ve even got people up in the trees around her property trying to get a glimpse of Ms. Hollosnap inside her home. The attention seems to be fueling Ms. Hollosnap’s bravado as witnessed by the increasingly shocking messages and images she continues to press against the windows of her home. One particular drawing shown here [show picture in window/naughty bits covered with a blurry area] depicts a nude, large-breasted woman holding up one fist with a middle finger sticking up. We just saw another drawing in which a reporter; who bears a striking resemblance to me; is seen fornicating with the cartoon character Popeye, who has been drawn clad in women's lingerie. The pictures keep coming in rapid succession and each one is more offensive than the last. I should also note that the police are here and they apparently intend to arrest Ms. Hollosnap on several charges. We'll keep you posted there in the studio as things develop here in Vail. Back to you Rhonda."---

news studio
---"Wow, that is indeed a disturbing scene up there in Vail, Frank. We'll be checking in with you later in the broadcast for any further developments. Now let's go to Candy for a sneak peek at the weather!"---

scene: cut to Candy: A vapid blonde wearing a skin tight leopard print jacket and skirt, with garish makeup & big shockingly white horsey teeth...

So you see my dear friend Lindsey, as much as I may dream of being famous, the up-tight turds at the FCC would never let it happen. My artistry will always be underground and under-appreciated as long as I market my talent in the United States of Puritans. But I thank you and the girls for thinking of me. Truly, it means a lot.
Love, Pamela

P.S. Can you send me some cigarettes, lip gloss, and stamps? The bitches in here are beatin' me something fierce and I need some shit to barter with. Also could you send me a toothbrush? Not generic though, I need like an "Oral B" or something. It's impossible to make a respectable shiv with a cheap toothbrush. Oh yeah, incarceration sucks ass.

Pamela (C) 2007