Saturday, April 28, 2007

Road Rage and RV Whores: A True Tale Of Madness

I had the unlucky experience of being followed by you this morning. You Motoring-Psycho-Bitch! You hounded me from the inside of your vehicle the entire time I was driving my child to school this morning. You were behind me for almost the entire 1 mile we were on the road. Or, the equivalent of 3 hours in HELL thanks to your insane shenanigans!

--First you were ticked off because I drove the speed limit through a SCHOOL ZONE. I saw your fat fist fly up in the air and could see by the way your big mouth was going that you were yelling something in regards to me and the other vehicles in front of me going too slow for your liking.

--Then you were royally pissed because I stopped at two SCHOOL CROSSWALKS (marked with signs and street paint) to let children pass. (It is the law you Hag.) I saw you slamming your steering wheel with both of your meaty paws, your pasty puffed up face screwed into a vision of rage. Nice example for the kid in your passenger's seat lady. Unluckily for her, you likely spawned the poor dear.

--Then you amped your Psycho-Bitch factor up a few more notches and flew into an extraordinary fit, bouncing around on your seat and screaming-- because I wasn't turning left in front of oncoming traffic fast enough!! So in your next moronically executed move, you tried to get 6 cars, including mine into a pile-up by going around me and trying to turn left in front of me!!! (You Suicidal Law Breaking Street Skank!)

--Then you blew your stack, I thought you were going to bounce your own big ass outta your RV you were so crazed with anger! You were this pissed because while you were trying this potentially deadly maneuver--in a split second I decided that I'd had enough of your road-rage and I acted with lighting speed. I saw an brief opening in traffic and I gunned it turning left and leaving you lurching and stalling in the intersection with cars from both directions now honking at you and squealing their tires to barely escape the danger you'd put them all in. Served you right you mindless idiot! I was laughing my ass off! (Holy Shit, you were having a fit and falling in it lady! LMAO!!!)

--When you sped into the school parking lot a half-a-minute later I heard you screaming at your child while she exited your RV sized Sports-Utility-Ve-Hick-el. Bad enough you can't drive worth spit, but must you also verbally abuse your child because you're an Air-Headed-Gas-Hogging-Road-Harpy?! (Dear Social Services: ...hee hee)

--You then pulled out of the line of other cars dropping off their kids in the parking lot, and without looking for crossing children AGAIN, you screeched past my car while showing me your best Charles Manson impression and screaming something I obviously couldn't hear--because you friggin' ninny, you had your windows up! Of course I simply scrunched my face up into the most fake toothy smile I could muster. From the way your tires chirped, I'm pretty sure my cavalier attitude enraged you further; which was exactly what I meant it to do. (You predictable lower life form.)

--I would've given just about anything to have been a Cop for a few minutes this morning. I would have put some serious Police Brutality bruises on your crazy ass. I'd have given you a good dose of Pepper Spray right in that evil mug of yours just before I put my steel-toed boot up your fat caboose and kicked you into the back seat of my cruiser. You would have shared the back seat with my big police dog "Jaws", which would have made for a spanking fun ride back to county lock-up. Once there I would've ordered you to be strip-searched by a hulking guard named Theda. Theda would have also given you a deep magical cavity search with her giant man-hands. LUBE-LESS.


18 comments:

  1. Hey, I've got a whole box of firecrackers saved up for this bitch-ass-bitch-ho. Let me know where and when and we can go all Bad Lieutenant on her skank ass. P.S bring some razor wire. P.P.S have sought help for my cat addiction and am down to smoking just one fluffy kitten a day.
    P.P.P.S cheers for your comments, glad I helped at least one person piss themselves today. Urinary retension is no laughing matter.

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  2. Manny you're hopeless with those kitties...lol....and your fascination with fireworks is curious, which begs the question:'
    "Is Manny in possession of all of his digits?"

    Looking forward to your reply! lol!

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  3. Not only have I got all my own digits but several that belong to other people too. It's my eyebrows that are fucked. Maybe I should just stick a couple of kittens to my face, that may work. Mind you I'd have to feed my eyebrows then and would probably end up with cat shit dripping down my cheeks. Not a bad look for summer!

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  4. I'd make sure I was in front of her every single day. By the end of the week, she'd simply wander out into traffic and end it all, leaving the world a better place.

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  5. That is hilarious! Way to go on voicing the thoughts of many regarding lunatics like this that are way to plentiful on the roadways!

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  6. Typical moron. I love to fuck with people like this driving as slowly as possible and trying my best to block them in.

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  7. Dear Manny:
    As ever, your totally perverse sense of humor wins me over. Instead of writing you off as another blogger with psychopathic tendencies, I find myself oddly drawn in, and to my complete horror, laughing my ass off at your wicked imagination!

    Okay Mr. "Completely obsessed with Cats and all things Anal" Your eyebrows can easily be addressed without the threat of Cat Shit dripping down your cheeks....which by the way is an image I'm trying mightily to shake...

    Eyebrows 101: Catch the Concord to NYC. Go to the Elizabeth Arden Spa on 5th Avenue. Ask for Helga. She'll tame those freaky brows of yours with wax, tweezers and other slightly torturous tools of the trade. You'll look like a star, instead of a Cat Killing Anally Obsessed Serial Killer.
    I do hope this is helpful.

    All My Eternal Love, Pamela

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  8. Chanakin: That is a great suggestion. And tis true, the world would indeed be a better place. I must figure out where she gets on my route...ah the evil plan is hatched!!! MUUUWWWAAAAA!!!
    (evil laugh) ;)

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  9. Thank you Heather! I'm so glad you laughed. What else can we do? Arm our cars with machine guns? Someday there will be a quicker solution than me playing with this woman's obviously addled brain. Until then, the Road Games continue...
    Thanks for stopping by Heather :)

    Toodles! Pamela

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  10. BIG BEN!!! :) nice to have you back again Benny Boy.
    Yes, sounds like you and Heather and I should have a brainstorming session...
    I too love the slowing down thing, and pinning them into a lane on the freeway that they are desparate to get out of...Oh how delightfully evil! HEE HEE!

    All the best Mr. Big, Pamela

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  11. I haven't got anal cats. You've got a link on Hitech now though. Feel the love, then feel it some more.

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  12. Oh I'm feelin' it Manny Kulkowski! I'm feelin' the love! (I'm praying to God you aren't referring to any kind of sick "Kitty Love" with one of your old blow-up sheep or the like)

    Thanks for the link! I'm new to blogging and still trying to figure out how to link up the blogs I love into my blog. I'm a bit of a blogging dunce still I guess. Oh well, someone's got to ride the short bus!
    Thanks Again Mr. K. :)

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  13. I do hope you're not inferring I'm Welsh by that comment. Rubber sheep, that's plain sick lady! God has formally resigned by the way. Apparently it was all becoming 'a bit of an effort'.

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  14. "You Suicidal Law Breaking Street Skank!" LOL love this line, I will definitely add it to my list of great things to mutter at all the OFFENSIVE drivers I deal with when dropping my daughter off to school....gawd! they are everywhere aren't they?

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  15. Oh Manny, Manny, Manny. Are YOU calling ME 'sick'? Interesting...
    God quit? I thought he was on sick leave. Hmmmmm...well that explains George Bush, vegetarians, and Anna Nicole Smith.

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  16. Yes Sunny they are everywhere. Guess it's become part of the fabric of drivers everywhere. I think instead of muttering those words you took to in my post, you should mount a big cannon sized bullhorn on top of your rig and scream it at them in the shrillest voice you can muster.

    And if you do, I must have video of it...oh it's a rich idea...whadaya think? Huh? :) Huh? gonna have a go at it Sunny? Huh? HUH? :) LOL!

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  17. I always like a deranged woman like you (especially at a safe distance!). Whew!

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  18. Now Ronald, don't be afraid. I'm full of crap most often! Just here to have some fun. LOL! :)

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Don't be shy, open that pie-hole!