Friday, November 02, 2007

Dear Ruby: Advice for the Lost & Hopeless: 2cd Edition

Hello Ruby Groupies:

I'm back to dispense some advice to those lost souls that seek my wisdom. I am, after all, me; and that is a stupendous accomplishment considering all the prissy bitches & bastards who would gladly see me thrown from my lofty perch of pretention and self-absorption.

Today's advice is in answer to one of you sappy pains-in-the-ass who was whining about how hard it is for her to find creative ways to show the people she cares about--that she does indeed care. God, you bleeding-hearts get on my damn nerves. Anyway, read and learn grasshopper. The following lessons are valuable and will NOT be repeated.

I think there are any number of ways to show one gives a shit about one thing or another. My current favorite is an old standard: Flipping The Bird.

Why only just today I was able to show this particular sign of caring to 3 City Bus drivers, a Wendy's Frosty Girl, my up-tight neighbor Leland (and his retarded dog), and the BEST was to an old hag at a yard sale who wouldn't knock a measly 25 friggin' cents off a toilet-plunger Caddy in the shape & decor of a Mermaid. I called her a "Tight-Assed Battle-Axe" and she acted all offended like we were in church or something.

I told that grizzled old rag that I was doing her a favor telling her the truth. I explained to her that I found it obvious that not enough people were shootin' her straight. She got up, brandished her 4-footed cane and called me a poddy mouthed trouble maker. "Ooooo a Poddy Mouthed Trouble Maker!" I yelled as if I were soooo impressed with her lame retort. Then I gave her the finger--the best most dramatic finger I've given in ages.

I pulled my hand outta my pocket really slow, and straightened my arm until my fist was almost touching that nasty snout of hers then I let my gorgeously manicured middle digit fly--right between her beady eyes!! It was my best flip-off of the month for sure; maybe the whole year. I was so proud I kind of got caught up in the moment and lost track of a few seconds. That's when things went south.

Just as I was snapping out of my flip-off fugue, a large lump behind her began to struggle to stand up. It was under an afghan so I didn't notice it at first, but I sure as hell noticed it then! It shed the afghan and became her kid; a fat little middle-aged pasty-faced bastard. They looked a lot alike. It gave me the creeps.

So I says to the lump; "What the hell are you gonna do ya big tub o' lard!? You gonna take on an lady in glasses? Bet you still live at home with your mum don't ya' mamas boy!? What're ya, 35, 40 years old? Come on Apron Strings, let's see whatcha got!!" So I start dancin' about in my house-coat and slippers like Rocky in the ring when I notice him starting to move towards my general area pretty damn fast.

He starts squealing "You say you're sorry to my mother right now!" "Go rape a Pumpkin pie shitbag!" Then, I swear to God he starts squealin' like a pig! Like a greased god-damned pig! "Weeeeeeee!" he goes. At that point, I decide this guys probably a serial killer, so I got the hay outta there quick as my scooty-slippers would take me.

I snatched up that Mermaid Plunger Caddy, tossed it in the back of my El Camino and burned rubber! It only took me a split second to squeal my way down the block and into my driveway. I was in the house peering out through the blinds a minute later when I saw fat-boy standing in the street out front, beatin' away at a cell phone with his little fat sausage fingers. I'd had enough of their crazy shit for one day, so I went to get my wrist-rocket and some old fruit. I'm sure you can imagine my disappointment when I got back to find sissy-boy gone. That really pissed me off. I would've loved to have pelted Jello-Boy with some rotten Kumquats.

Live and Learn from Ruby the gifted. Now fuck off. I have spoken.

Worship Me,


Disclaimer: The administrators of this blog do not share the Schlitz Malt Liquor induced opinions of Ruby, nor can we be held accountable for anything Ruby says or does. Anyone wishing to lodge a complaint about this or any post attributed to Ruby, please do so in the comments section. Thank you, Management.
P.N.N. (C) 2007