Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Nickleodean & The FCC: One Woman's Nightmare

WARNING: The following message is rated "V" for vulgar, "F" for excessive use of foul language, and "H" because according to fundamental Christians--a.k.a. The Nazi's-- I'm going straight to Hell. As such, you may wish to shoo your children from the room and wear your Rosaries while reading what follows.

~The next paragraph is a REAL e-mail sent to me by a good friend~

>Pamela:
I just wanted to tell you that Becky, Kendra, and I decided that if you were healthy enough that you should go on Nickelodeon's "Funniest Mom in America" Contest. Have you seen the commercials for that? Hee Hee. You would totally skunk everyone out of the water!


~What follows is my response to the friend who sent me the above e-mail. The events described in the following are absolutely, totally and completely true. I swear. The names of other parties have been changed to protect the innocent. The guilty (guess who) will not have her name changed.~


Dearest Lindsey,
As to your urging me to try out for that show I really thought I had a shot at it too, yet things didn't actually turn out the way I had hoped they would.

I sent a tape in to those freakin' assholes at Nick. They turned me down flat. Said my 'material' was better suited to Showtime or Skinemax. Then those fascists at the FCC sent me a mother-fucking warning!! Guess the vulgar clothes and foul mouth was a bit too much for "Family Friendly TV". Those Bastard Pig Fuckers.

Needless to say my attorneys launched a media blitz on my behalf. I may not get my own show, but I did make the evening news...

scene: the local evening news / studio
---"A Vail Colorado woman is suing the TV network in Laos that owns the ever popular Nickelodean channel. The suit filed by Pamela Hollosnap and her attorneys; Ms. Gloria Allred, The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, and the late Johnny Cochran; calls for the immediate cancellation of an upcoming series based on the fact that Ms. Hollosnap was not permitted to go through the 'normal' audition process. The suit states that Ms. Hollosnap sent in a videotaped audition for the show, "Funniest Mom In America" and was not only turned down, but that the shows producers sent a copy of her tape to the FCC. The FCC then sent Ms. Hollosnap a stern warning which according to her attorneys she was allegedly "Greatly hurt and offended by." Let's go to Frank who's in Vail with the rest of the story. Frank?"---

scene:
the front yard of my house, tons of media are present as well as a growing crowd of snoopy neighbors and looky-loos who are loitering around the outskirts of the media circus
---"Yes Rhonda, that's right. I'm here in front of Ms. Hollosnap's home in Vail, Colorado. While her attorneys gave a brief statement earlier today, we have yet to speak to Ms. Hollosnap herself. That's not to say that she still hasn't found an interesting way of communicating with us."---

scene:
news studio
---"What do you mean Frank? Has she tried to get in touch with anyone in the media?"---

scene: my front yard again
---"Well yes Rhonda, in so many words. Ms. Hollosnap has been writing messages and drawing pictures with black marker on pieces of paper and holding them up to the windows in her home. She seems to be very agitated by our presence here, yet has not directly stated that she would like us to leave her property."---

scene: news studio
---"What do the messages she's writing say Frank? And what sort of drawings is she holding up?"---

scene: my front yard, and shots of the front windows
---"Well, you should know that they contain obscene language and that the pictures depict rather upsetting material. That said, one of the messages read: 'Kiss my BEEP, you BEEP BEEP BEEP-ing BEEP-ers!!' Another read: ' Go BEEP your mother's you stinking bottom feeders!!' Needless to say, she does seem extremely volatile at this time."---

scene: news studio
---"Oh my, those messages are very crude. Tell me Frank, how does the crowd there react when she does this?"---

scene: my front yard
---"Well Rhonda, the crowd here seemed a bit shocked at first, but with each successive message or picture held up to the windows their cheers grow louder and many are taking photos and videos. We’ve even got people up in the trees around her property trying to get a glimpse of Ms. Hollosnap inside her home. The attention seems to be fueling Ms. Hollosnap’s bravado as witnessed by the increasingly shocking messages and images she continues to press against the windows of her home. One particular drawing shown here [show picture in window/naughty bits covered with a blurry area] depicts a nude, large-breasted woman holding up one fist with a middle finger sticking up. We just saw another drawing in which a reporter; who bears a striking resemblance to me; is seen fornicating with the cartoon character Popeye, who has been drawn clad in women's lingerie. The pictures keep coming in rapid succession and each one is more offensive than the last. I should also note that the police are here and they apparently intend to arrest Ms. Hollosnap on several charges. We'll keep you posted there in the studio as things develop here in Vail. Back to you Rhonda."---

scene:
news studio
---"Wow, that is indeed a disturbing scene up there in Vail, Frank. We'll be checking in with you later in the broadcast for any further developments. Now let's go to Candy for a sneak peek at the weather!"---


scene: cut to Candy: A vapid blonde wearing a skin tight leopard print jacket and skirt, with garish makeup & big shockingly white horsey teeth...


So you see my dear friend Lindsey, as much as I may dream of being famous, the up-tight turds at the FCC would never let it happen. My artistry will always be underground and under-appreciated as long as I market my talent in the United States of Puritans. But I thank you and the girls for thinking of me. Truly, it means a lot.
Love, Pamela

P.S. Can you send me some cigarettes, lip gloss, and stamps? The bitches in here are beatin' me something fierce and I need some shit to barter with. Also could you send me a toothbrush? Not generic though, I need like an "Oral B" or something. It's impossible to make a respectable shiv with a cheap toothbrush. Oh yeah, incarceration sucks ass.

Pamela (C) 2007

23 comments:

  1. your post is funny allright, but a little too long for my attention deficit disordered brain

    ReplyDelete
  2. "One particular drawing shown here depicts a nude, large-breasted woman holding up one fist with a middle finger sticking up."

    LMAO!!!

    What a great way to start any day.

    Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Honestly Pamela, I thought it was brilliant. If I were in charge, you'd be on the show - and people would be applauding like over-excited babies for your tomfoolery.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wow, yash, chanakin, and mertmengelmier: You're all too kind! I'm so glad you enjoyed my screw-ball antics...as you can probably surmise from reading this or any of my posts, I live a rich fantasy life! :) I'm here to make myself and others laugh, so my work for today is done! Thanks for stopping in everyone.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Vulgarity? Foul Language?? HELL??? This is my kind of blog! LOL!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ahhh Princess, a kindred spirit! Glad to know others who appreciate the artistry of cursing. It's one of the few vices left in my life and I intend to enjoy it fully! I'm also thinking of starting a club or support group of sorts, for people, especially women, who practice the art of using obscene language. I'll keep you posted. You may want to start a chapter in your area! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Let's get back to this large breasted women, more details please.

    ReplyDelete
  8. "PIG FUCKERS".... i LOOOOVE it!!!!!
    hahahahahahahaha. thanks for the laugh!

    ReplyDelete
  9. ProudMary, you're my kind o' gal. Any girl who can even type "pig fuckers" is okey dokey in my book. So glad you had a good laugh. Come back agin' now ya'hear?!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dear Big Ben: You are a filthy minded boy...I like that, a lot. I'll do my best to write more about the large breasted vixen mentioned in this particular post. Anything for you Ben, dear sweet perverted Ben. :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Made me laugh so much I had to change my boxer shorts

    ReplyDelete
  12. Dear Gentleman-Hobbs:
    I'm very pleased that you found this post so amusing! However, as to your issues with incontinence and the subsequent soiling of your boxers, all I can do is send you good thoughts and suggest that maybe it's time to look into some "extra protection" if you know what I mean...(wink wink)

    Then, should you decide to come back and visit my looney little blog, you can prepare by put on your "extra protection". You will then be free to enjoy my juvenile antics and to laugh yourself silly, with no worries of self-soiling.
    Hope to see you back again soon! :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Now don't tell me I gotta' draw a picture to get me a face to post on my blog like you did?

    Could you scratch me out a cute llama Pam? Mine would look like a dog for sure by the time I got near it and your pics seem to get the idea across to bozos well enough.

    ReplyDelete
  14. The bitches kept us down from day one too. Cuntrags. I've had to conceal my identity just to write this. If they ever find out they're gonna come back for my legs. Oh shit, there's a suspicious looking van parked outside....See you in Cuba.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Manny: You crack me up! See you in Cuba..lol! You are one sick individual, and as such I have become a fan. :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Cheers Pamela. We'll link you up with us if you want, just means you won't be able to walk the streets ever again. Got a nice cigar ready for you. Get here soon though, I got a cat tied up with firecrackers an he's about to blow.

    ReplyDelete
  17. FCC? I just looked at their website and I still have no idea what they do?! I guess I am very lucky to live in a country where we still have freedom of speech. Tony Blair is a Terrorist. Probably get arrested for that...Grrrrrr!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Oh Sweet Hell Manny, NOT the kitties!!! (link good; blowing up kitties not so good)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Anna, if you do get thrown in the pokey, send a message and I'll hook you up with the right prison goods so's you can avoid the beatin's that I had to endure. Freedom of speech? What's that like anyway? It must be awesome to be able to say whatever you like about the buffoons in office and not have your phone tapped and a camera placed in your toilet.
    All the best, Pamela

    P.S. Tony Blair may be a terrorist, but Old Georgy Boy is the Ring Leader. What a fricking monkey head!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Thanks Pamela. You are a life saver... Don't get me started on ol'Georgy Boy though... I don't think the comments box is big enough... (and relax... breathe... relax...)

    ReplyDelete
  21. ...relaxing...breathing...relaxing...breathing...hey, Anna, I think it's working! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  22. Rofl Pamela your imagination knows no bounds,love this so much, a needed laugh! thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Thanks Sunny :) As always, I'm glad to help another have a chuckle or two, even at my own expense. :)

    ReplyDelete

Don't be shy, open that pie-hole!