Saturday, August 01, 2009

Silent But Deadly: The Dark Side of Farts

This little poem is for my dear mate. He has the manners of a gentleman during the day but is a drooling, farting, blanket hogging bully at night.

This poem doesn't really do justice to the Fart Symphony that is played out in our room each night. I huff what little oxygen I can glean through my nightgown while reading or watching TV.

What is he doing while I'm trying to not suffocate on my own carbon dioxide? I'll tell you what he's doing, he's having the time of his life in lah-dee-fucking-dah Dreamland!!

He's all smiles and cooing in his sleep like a lovesick school-boy. "Coo...hmmm...phhhhffffffffffft." One can barely hear the evil wind coming....sometimes it's just this spooky little "puhoooooh" sound. Those scare me the most.

Many a night I secretly wish that his asshole would just slam shut for a few blessed hours....or that maybe, just maybe someone somewhere is inventing a device that will allow us to harness the incredible alternative fuel that flies out of that man's crack every night....we could be rich! He could power half the lights in Vegas with the stores of methane that could be harvested from his lower bowel.

So again, without further ado, I give you my latest prose titled:

Is Corking a Loved one Against the Law?

The man that I sleep with
has really bad gas.
He farts all night long,
with his long-winded ass.

I'm at my wits end
with this ill-mannered sleeper;
I'd like to shove a Cork
up his poo-poo peeper.

Disturbing as it sounds
It might really work;
that is if I can locate
a large enough Cork.
P.N. (c) Copyright 2008


  1. Hi Pamela. I've been laughing out loud at this post, and my husband who's on the computer next to me looked over my shoulder to see what the cause of the mirth was - when he read it, he said, "I know you're laughing cos that sounds like me!!" Erm ...correct!!!

  2. I'm so glad another woman out there can relate Ruby! My hubby just read this post and well, his response was predictable. Hee hee, a little grumbly but funny. He said it made him sound like a criminal. Hey, like I always say, "If the shoe fits..."
    Thanks for your visit Ruby, come back soon!

  3. Hi...Ok now that ive managed to stop laughin for a moment i can leave a comment....(big breath) Thanks this made my night or weekend for that matter twas fucken halarious.....

  4. I love it, the worst part though, is when he thinks they smell good! Gotta lovem! If you ever find a big enough cork let me know. Wondering....would two corks in the nose stop the snoring?

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  6. Ian, I'm so glad that you appreciate my blog. I know I really love your photos--so your compliments are well received!
    :) See you soon!

  7. Hey Sunny! I think there's some little "ism" that goes with that part about them liking their own stench....anyway, corks in the nose, I find it's more fun to pinch their nostrils together until they snort and change positions...hee hee...I'll let you know if I find the right corks!

  8. oh my god-- that was hilarious! You're the poet freakin' laureate of CO!

  9. ProudMary: I like the sound of that..."poet freakin laureate of Colorado" nice ring. I think I'll go to Denver tomorrow and apply for the job! :)


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