Friday, November 02, 2007

Dear Ruby: Advice for the Lost & Hopeless: 2cd Edition

Hello Ruby Groupies:

I'm back to dispense some advice to those lost souls that seek my wisdom. I am, after all, me; and that is a stupendous accomplishment considering all the prissy bitches & bastards who would gladly see me thrown from my lofty perch of pretention and self-absorption.

Today's advice is in answer to one of you sappy pains-in-the-ass who was whining about how hard it is for her to find creative ways to show the people she cares about--that she does indeed care. God, you bleeding-hearts get on my damn nerves. Anyway, read and learn grasshopper. The following lessons are valuable and will NOT be repeated.


I think there are any number of ways to show one gives a shit about one thing or another. My current favorite is an old standard: Flipping The Bird.

Why only just today I was able to show this particular sign of caring to 3 City Bus drivers, a Wendy's Frosty Girl, my up-tight neighbor Leland (and his retarded dog), and the BEST was to an old hag at a yard sale who wouldn't knock a measly 25 friggin' cents off a toilet-plunger Caddy in the shape & decor of a Mermaid. I called her a "Tight-Assed Battle-Axe" and she acted all offended like we were in church or something.

I told that grizzled old rag that I was doing her a favor telling her the truth. I explained to her that I found it obvious that not enough people were shootin' her straight. She got up, brandished her 4-footed cane and called me a poddy mouthed trouble maker. "Ooooo a Poddy Mouthed Trouble Maker!" I yelled as if I were soooo impressed with her lame retort. Then I gave her the finger--the best most dramatic finger I've given in ages.

I pulled my hand outta my pocket really slow, and straightened my arm until my fist was almost touching that nasty snout of hers then I let my gorgeously manicured middle digit fly--right between her beady eyes!! It was my best flip-off of the month for sure; maybe the whole year. I was so proud I kind of got caught up in the moment and lost track of a few seconds. That's when things went south.

Just as I was snapping out of my flip-off fugue, a large lump behind her began to struggle to stand up. It was under an afghan so I didn't notice it at first, but I sure as hell noticed it then! It shed the afghan and became her kid; a fat little middle-aged pasty-faced bastard. They looked a lot alike. It gave me the creeps.

So I says to the lump; "What the hell are you gonna do ya big tub o' lard!? You gonna take on an lady in glasses? Bet you still live at home with your mum don't ya' mamas boy!? What're ya, 35, 40 years old? Come on Apron Strings, let's see whatcha got!!" So I start dancin' about in my house-coat and slippers like Rocky in the ring when I notice him starting to move towards my general area pretty damn fast.


He starts squealing "You say you're sorry to my mother right now!" "Go rape a Pumpkin pie shitbag!" Then, I swear to God he starts squealin' like a pig! Like a greased god-damned pig! "Weeeeeeee!" he goes. At that point, I decide this guys probably a serial killer, so I got the hay outta there quick as my scooty-slippers would take me.

I snatched up that Mermaid Plunger Caddy, tossed it in the back of my El Camino and burned rubber! It only took me a split second to squeal my way down the block and into my driveway. I was in the house peering out through the blinds a minute later when I saw fat-boy standing in the street out front, beatin' away at a cell phone with his little fat sausage fingers. I'd had enough of their crazy shit for one day, so I went to get my wrist-rocket and some old fruit. I'm sure you can imagine my disappointment when I got back to find sissy-boy gone. That really pissed me off. I would've loved to have pelted Jello-Boy with some rotten Kumquats.

Live and Learn from Ruby the gifted. Now fuck off. I have spoken.

Worship Me,

Ruby


Disclaimer: The administrators of this blog do not share the Schlitz Malt Liquor induced opinions of Ruby, nor can we be held accountable for anything Ruby says or does. Anyone wishing to lodge a complaint about this or any post attributed to Ruby, please do so in the comments section. Thank you, Management.
P.N.N. (C) 2007


**PLEASE NOTE: FOR A TIME MANY OF RUBY'S POSTS WERE BEING ATTRIBUTED TO PAMELA. IF RUBY SIGNS THE THING, SHE'S THE ONE WHO WROTE IT.

22 comments:

  1. great story. You usually have rotten kumquats lying around the house?

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  2. I'm professing my love. Both hands.

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  3. Yea, I like flipping off. And not only people, but inanimate objects as well. Like when I am at work, boiling samples down, sometimes they start to look like piss or motor oil. Then they get down to their proper volume, and they smell like piss and tar. I like flipping those frigers off. And what about the clients that send them to us. What in the hell is this shit and where did it come from? They also get the finger. Oh, and try adding sulfuric acid to these oily, pissy samples. Sometimes they boil right over. Just what I wanted, sulfuric acid all over my lab coat, gloves, and work surface, not to mention another hours worth of work to fix this mess. Another finger emerges.

    So you are flipping off old ladies with canes. Well, I remember a time when Dominique took her cane and waked some guy at a bar because he was messing with one of our friends. Those were the days.

    Well, keep that wonderful advice comming. And I'll keep flipping off lab samples and people who are not there.

    Love and kisses

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  4. Ben Ben, dear inquisitive Ben. Of course Ruby has rotting fruit around her house. Usually in the form of old 'Poof's and ultra fem male friends, lol, and yes, the odd kumquat as well.

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  5. Dear Chanakin:

    Better be professing your love with those middle digits waving about! (and a load of Cash)

    Love you back Channy-kins.

    Kiss My Mole. ;)

    Ruby

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  6. Veronica:

    You and your obsession with all things Urinal will be addressed in my next post.

    Stay tuned.

    Ruby

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  7. Yes! Wow, I haven't thought about that episode in the bar in ages Veronica!

    As I recall I'd had knee surgery and was out with you and a bunch of other hot babes at a swanky local spot. We were all looking hot and already entertaining some real studs when a drunken handsy dumbass joined the party.

    This was the idiot that wouldn't stop touching your hair and harrassing "R". I told him to beat it and he just looked at my legbrace and laughed me off. What he failed to notice was that I was wearing a mini skirt (which afforded my other leg almost unlimited movement) and that I was a fit, hot, strong, gorgeous woman with a very short temper.

    I picked up my nice black cane (went with the skirt) and gave him a warning smack on the shoulder; he ignored me.

    Then I got up on my good long-leggy-leg, braced myself, and whacked the filthy animal across the back. He howled and charged me! I hit that son-of-a-bitch again; hard! Just before he charged me again, our friends the Meaty Bouncer Boys grabbed his ass and tossed him out.

    Ahhh, those were the days...that was some fun... :) What are we up to NEXT weekend?

    Love ya! Pamela

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  8. Last time I flipped one off in public I got arrested. How's that for fucking justice?

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  9. Manny, I know this law well. In the back-woods cow-town I live in that law is on the books here as well. I still haven't gotten popped by the Coppers but it could happen any day as I'm so keen on flying my own personal mascot.

    I need to do a legal library search to see if "Mooning" is against the law...That'd be a nice alternative, a bit of an inconvenience while actually driving a motor vehicle, but I'm up for the challenge.

    Glad you tuned in. Come back soon, I'm working on a nasty post to fire up the censors. (evil laugh here)

    Your Hero,

    Ruby

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  10. Well I did have my trousers round my ankles at the time and that may have contributed to my arrest, I'm not sure. I'm not sure about anything anymore.
    I love it when the censors are on fire, they burn so well. Look forward to it Rubes you love mop you.

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  11. Ahh Manny, you charmer you. "Love Mop" how quaint. LOL!

    And yes, having your trousers around your ankles would likely up the ante on getting pegged by the cops. LMAO!

    You're the best, you always make me laugh! Thanks! :)

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  12. Wow, being a caring person sure takes on a lot of whole new meanings.

    Did the squeeling pig boy ever came back?

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  13. No Channy-kins, not during the day anyway. I found some suspicious looking droppings and some Lollipop wrappers under my old oak tree this morning. I think that fat little pervert was sittin in the tree havin a look at my Granny Panties. I figured that little shit right; a fat turd of a perv.

    Love the dancing hamster Channy.

    Ruby

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  14. Hey i really got cool contents in ur blog
    And i like to put u in my link section
    do u like to have a link exchange with my blog
    http://niceillusions.blogspot.com

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  15. Ruby, I BOW TO THEEEEE!
    I WORSHIP YOU!
    I AM NOT EVEN WORTHY TO BE HERE ON THIS BLOG.
    You rule--
    your faithful reader

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  16. Sans: Thanks for the offer, we'll link you with our blog, but you must understand you are linking with dangerous women here!!! We do love illusion blogs though. Checked the one today with the pink dots that turn green...I fell outta my damn chair thank you very much. And before you say it, It WAS NOT the liquor!!!! I can hold my cocktails!

    Come back for more abuse and/or advice whenever the mood hits ya!

    Ruby The Queen of Schlitz

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  17. What's happened to the burning censors? Are you still buying up petrol and old tyres? Got loads spare if you need more, few firecrackers too but won't go into what I did with them last.

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  18. "Go rape a Pumpkin pie you tub o' lard!" I'm gonna steal that one! Gees! xx

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  19. Proud Mary, I like you. No, I really mean that..it's not the likker talkin' either.

    At least you aren't afraid to show how much esteem you hold us in. We are pleased that you bow.

    See you Soon woman ;)

    Rubes

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  20. Manny ya great fuckin' wild man!! I've gotten out of censor jail and have posted again. I'm sure they're tracking me, but I've changed my appearance slightly (light blue slippers instead of the pink bunnies I normally wear) Plus I'm keepin the hooch in my girdle so's they don't see my signature paper-bag moves in the El Camino.

    You and those firecrackers. You know that's what Pamela likes about you though, you and those insane firecracker stories.

    I like ya cause you're almost as crazy as I am! Ha! Take THAT you crazy Brit!

    Kiss my Toe Fungus commoner!
    XO Ruby

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  21. Anna Black:

    We love Anna Black. She can steal our material. She can even come live in our house and drink our Schlitz Malt Liquors when she decides to come to the States and do a film here.

    (we should star in this film)

    Hugs and Lipstick Smeared Kisses,
    Ruby

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  22. if you ever get loose, you'll be one the American arsenal's greatest weapons. As long as you're not facing toward us and knocking off Jellos boys by the dozens!

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Don't be shy, open that pie-hole!