Saturday, June 14, 2008

WALKING ON THE SUN WITH RUBY

CAUTION: THIS POST IS FILLED WITH OBSCENE LANGUAGE AND THINGS THAT WILL HANG IN YOUR MIND AND FILL YOUR DREAMS WITH DREADFUL IMAGES. BEWARE. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

Hey you bastards, It's me, Ruby.
I'll be posting something soon that's relevant to the whole question and answer thing. Right now, I've had a few shots of Rot-Gut and a handful of Schlitz Malt Liquor's and I need to let fly. I live in Colorado. Two weeks ago we had snow. Today it was a scorching 101 degrees. I shit you not. Tell me, is that hot? Of course it is you little nitwit. (hang on, I'm opening another can of juice.) I can't stand it. I'd give anything to roll around butt naked in a snowbank right about now...


***CAUTION: Rant commencing in 3..2..1..
GODDAMMIT MOTHER FUCKER IT WAS SO FUCKING HOT TODAY I WANTED TO KILL SOMEBODY! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? WE HAVEN'T EVEN HIT THE FIRST DAY OF SUMMER YET AND IT'S LIKE LIVING IN THE MOJAVE FUCKING DESERT FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!! AND I’M IN THE GODDAMN MOUNTAINS FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!? HELL ON EARTH IS WHAT'S GOING ON, FIRE AND BRIMSTONE BABY! SHIT THE BED!!!

I SAW
SATAN TODAY, HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A RETARD FRIGGIN’ WEATHERMAN ON CHANNEL SEVEN WHO CAN'T FUCKING SEEM TO GET IT RIGHT FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING PETE!!! PRANCING ABOUT WITH HIS LITTLE POINTER....AND THAT DEALY HE USES TO TOUCH THE MAP WITH.

THAT FLOOR FLUSHING SACK OF SHIT THINKS IT'S MIGHTY FUNNY THAT WE'RE SETTING STATE RECORDS FOR FRIGGIN' HEAT THAT'S KILLING PEOPLE BETWEEN THE RELATIVE COMFORT OF THEIR AIR CONDITIONED VEHICLES AND THE DOORS TO:
THEIR HOMES, THE GROCERS, & RESTAURANTS! PEOPLE ARE ROASTING TO DEATH WHERE THEY STAND! WE'RE ALL SCREWED JUST LIKE THE POOR FUCKERS IN POMPEII!!! !!

I'M SENDING HATE MAIL TYPED ON
RED DEVIL STATIONARY TO THAT FUCKER ON CH. 7. I'M RIGGING IT SO WHEN PRETTY-BOY OPENS THE ENVELOPE A LITTLE PACK OF MATCHES WILL LIGHT ITSELF AND A TINY FLAMETHROWER WILL SHOOT UP AND INSTANTLY CHAR THAT FAT-ASS-T.V.- EVANGELIST HAIR-DO OF HIS! THIS SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM AS HE USES MORE HAIRSPRAY THAN A BUNCH OF SMELLY NAGS AT A BEEHIVE CONVENTION!! WHAT A FUCKING PUSSY! MOTHERFUCKINGWEATHERWHORE!!!

GOD HELP ME, I’M SO HOT MY GRANNIES HAVE MELTED TO MY FAT ASS!!! OH GOD! THE HUMANITY!! AAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Show's over folks. Now go play with yourselves; I've got some hate-mail to assemble.

Your favorite Sex Kitten,

Ruby Blathergab

Disclaimer: The Administrators of this blog do not share the Schlitz Malt Liquor induced opinions of Ruby Blathergab, nor can we be held accountable for anything that Ms. Blathergab says or does. Anyone wishing to lodge a complaint about this or any other post attributed to Ms. Blathergab may do so in the comments section. Thank you, Management.

**FOR SOME REASON SEVERAL POSTS HAVE BEEN ATTRIBUTED TO PAMELA WHEN IN FACT RUBY WROTE THEM. IF RUBY SIGNS A POST, IT'S ALL HERS.

32 comments:

  1. Lock Stock and One Smokin' Trouser Snake9:46 PM

    You Beautiful Drunken Flower! Have I told you lately that I love you? That there's no one else above you? I do. And there isn't. Be mine? Say yes Ruby, I love you.

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  2. I just got a chubby picturing your body glistening with sweat.

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  3. God Ruby, let it out already. You need to learn to let go of those negative feelings.

    Your "sister",
    Pamela


    P.S. Did your grannies really burst into flames? Did you get any pics? Hope so...

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  4. Lox stocks, barrels, whatever the hell your name is, Unless it comes with cold hard cash and a substantial supply of booze, your declarations of Love are meaningless to Ruby.

    Get your shit together before you come a'courtin' again. Loser.

    Yours for a price;

    Ruby Blathergab

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  5. Chanakin:

    You are one sick ticket. That's why you fit in with Pamela and I so well. We are drawn to the mentally disturbed.

    I will wring the sweat out of my unders until I have an amount respectable enough to mail. Then you'll get the prize of a lifetime you twisted little nipple puller you!

    Love ya!

    RUBY!

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  6. Hey, Pamela, thought we agreed to stay the hell outta each other's posts you uptight snark!

    And yes, damn it all to hell, my grannies did spontaneously combust. I think washing them in turpentine (to kill the bugs) may not have been the best idea I had last week.

    piss off and stay outta my way Hollosnap. You priss.

    R.

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  7. It has been hotter than a witch's titty in a brass bra in the middle of the Sahara. Think we can still find snow here? The glaciers on the twin peaks are looking a bit thin. Well, if you do find a snow bank give me a call. I'll get butt naked with ya and roll around in some snow. Don't forget to bring the keg!

    Swelthering, V

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  8. Love your posts. I think you might get bookmarked.

    I live in the uk where the weather ranges from 10 - 12 degrees all year round. It's rubbish.

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  9. Veronica:

    You (hic) surely do know how to turn a phrase. I WILL let you know when I find a (hic) snowbank worth of our gorgeous naked bootys, AND I'll bring a keg of Schlitz to celebrate. And mabye a bottle or Two (hic) of Annie Green Springs to guzzle in the El Camino.

    GODDAMN HICCUPS! (HIC!)

    Your Favorite Partner in Petty Crimes,

    Ruby

    P.S. I discovered a neat trick for staying cool: Tuck those little round Ice packs into your skiv's and brass bra; you'll stay cool as a cucumber. Speaking of cucumbers, gettin' any lately? ;) you know what I mean hee hee...or ya raidin' the neighbor's cuke patch? ha ha ha

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  10. Dear Scraps:

    Like the pic. You a hairy Brit then? I like that. A lot. I'd like to run my fingers through some of that hair ya spitting llama stud ya!

    And stop that complaining about your damn weather! You come stay with Ruby for a week in this shithole and you'll be pining for the cool air of England by the 2cd day.

    On the other hand, it's a given that you'd want to stay as I'm so alluring, especially when I'm drunk...which is most of the time. So like all the other men before you I'd have to let you down easy and kick your ass out as soon as you annoyed me.
    Ruby has no patience with men who: drink her beer; who smell rank; who have no body hair; and Ruby get's really pissy about needy-clingy-baby-men.

    AND you'd better bookmark us dammit! We need more llamas visting our blog.

    The woman who'll ruin you for all others--
    Ruby

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  11. Ruby, don't be nasty. Or, if you are, be sexy! Wave it at me, I won't ignore it!

    oopss, gotta solve another alphabet soup!

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  12. Dearest Ron: (see that wasn't nasty)

    Don't be nasty? When the hell am I nasty? I'm sweet as pie and you damn well know it. And I'm ALWAYS sexy. It's tough to be Ruby.

    As far as tellin' me what kind of soup you're havin' for lunch, what the blazes does that have to do with anything I'm remotely interested in? Keep your dietary nightmares to yourself in the future Ronny.

    I'm wavin' at you, you handsome devil you! ;)


    Trying to not be so nasty,
    Ruby--a.k.a. Schlitz Poster Girl--Blathergab

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  13. Has there been any fatalities of heat stroke around your area Ruby? 100 degrees is really hot.

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  14. As I said in my post Nep-Hamster-Man, YES people are dying right and left! They are spontaneously combusting as soon as they take a breath of the demon hot climate that has overtaken our city. Pay attention in the future or Ruby will be forced to take away your little exercise wheel.

    Eternally Yours in Sarcastic Rapport,

    RUBY!

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  15. Can I suggest getting a pool. I would love to skinny dip in Colorado.

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  16. Ruby, glad to see you made Staff writer but looks like that lazy bizatch Hollosnap is taking you for a ride. Surprised you get the time to chase disabled young men for easy sex with all the articles she's got you writing. What's she upto these days, on the streets again?
    An opening for a new love mop just came up if you're interested? And book me in for the snow roll. Will bring heavy narcotics.
    Love ya like battery acid Rubes and yes, even missed you too you drunken mentalist you.

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  17. Big Ben, you Rufie totin' Canadian Cowboy! Woo HOO!

    1. I've got a pool.
    2. You have 15 hours to get here.

    If you don't make it in time, there will be no nude swims with the Fabulous Ruby.

    See if you can fit it in between Ball Games, Weddings and all your other social committments. Tell me Benny Boy, When am I going to come first?! RUBY MUST BE 1st ON BEN'S LIST OF PRIORITIES!!!

    Think about that Mr. Suave.
    Ruby needs a drink. You do this to Ruby. Way to go. Enabler.

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  18. Yeh Manny, that skank-ass-ho Miss Pamela (who's shit doesn't stink by the way) has (hic) taken a powder and left me in charge for the time being. Good thing too, all (hic)she's got is crap anyhoo.

    Love-Mop position: I'll take it! (hic) I don't care what it pays. I'm a trailer park tart and (hic)proud of it.

    As to (hic) the roll in the snow, bring it on tough guy. And don't be bringin' me no sissy narcotics like Heroin, Crack, or angel dust either. I want me some Absinthe, Nitrous Oxide, and Ether for starters. Then we'll hit the hard stuff.

    And just who in the the hell are you (hic) calling a drunken Cyclist anyway!? (hic) I hate trikes. (hic)
    Up yours you handsome pain in the ass you!

    Stay you, (hic) I like my men in the Cuckoos nest.
    Always,
    Ruby-Licious
    (hic)

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  19. directions please!

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  20. My eyes are made of acid and I guff N20. Not gonna tell you where the ether comes out, so let's start with that.

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  21. Hey Ruby, I've just added you in my blogroll.

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  22. Um,, Ruby? I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say here. It's a little indirect. Why IS it I find myself generally confused as to your mental state...? (SO kidding-- your post, as always, is brilliantly debauched.)
    xoxoxo
    mary.

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  23. Give me a call when Manny and Ben show up at the pool and the snow. I want to get in on the fun! Could also go for a good dram of Absinthe. You were and always will be my favorite drinking buddy.
    Manny, need anymore Ether? The lab may be able to spare a case or two.

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  24. I borrowed Wonder Woman's invisible plane and I'll be right over as soon as I find the bastard thing.

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  25. Where does Ruby go between posts? Surely not merely to the toilet; it doesn't take that long. I have no doubt she goes somewhere to feel superior; but where could THAT possibly be!!

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  26. My oh My oh MY, Miss Ruby:
    I do not know if i can play here anymore! your language is far too vulgar-- and you KNOW how i feel about THAT!

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  27. Where is my Ruby???

    "Helllloooooo"

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  28. Dearest Manny:
    Hello to you my wickedly funny blogging friend! :) Ruby and I have returned from our rather 'forced' sabbatical. We were the unfortunate victims of a ring of Colonic Cons. You've likely heard of them, they're all over the news. They've been given the nick "The Ass Gypsys". Needless to say, Ruby and I are in good spirits, (especially that sot Ruby) and ready to re-join our friends in Blog-Land. I look forward to reading all that I've missed on your blog Manny my boy. Be good and stop by again for some abuse won't you? Wonderful! See you soon!

    Pamela

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  29. Veronica and Manny:

    Get a Room for Christ's sake. You two can chat it up until the cows come home somewhere's else. Ether?! Absinthe?!
    You two are a couple of nit-wits.
    Maybe that's why I love ya so.
    Oh, dammit, it's okay if you hang out and talk to each other here. What the fuck ever anyway. hee hee.

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  30. Hey Channy-kins you cutie patootie!
    Did ya miss your Ruby?
    I know ya did you Pre-vert!

    Hey Proud Mary! You are my kind o' gal. You "get" me! I love that in a girl. Don't get me wrong though, I don't go for fuzz-munchin' or nothin' like that...unless you're one hot mama and I'm really drunk...this could likely be arranged, huh Mary? ;)

    Thanks for the linkage NepSpeed! Good to see you, you adorable little hamster you!

    And you, Ronny boy, about that bathroom comment; actually quite funny until you realize the living HELL we went through with those Colonic Creeps...I'm just glad to be back in Bloggerville to give your ratty ass a hard time! :)

    ****To catch up on our where-abouts for the last 8 weeks and read all the horrible details please see the comment above addressed to "Manny". Pamela explained it all fairly well.

    I love you all in my sick alcohol induced way,
    Ruby

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  31. Ben!! Big Canadian Ben!! Funny as hell Ben!!

    Sorry I dropped the ball on our pool party. Things got pretty out of control here as you can see by reading the previous comments left by yours truly.

    Stay you. Don't forget your weekly Ruby worship either. I see all.

    Beer-Bathed Kisses,
    Ruby

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Don't be shy, open that pie-hole!